Obsession Update

OK, so God is consistently faithful and good to me, and I'm just consistently stubborn.

First things first. My doctor had a perfectly reasonable explanation for the medicine I was on and went out of his way to do whatever he can think of to help rebuild my trust in him. This is why I trust him. Dude, he's a great doctor.

Second...I realised that my fear is that I could do something that God can't deal with. Who on earth do I think I am? If God wants me to have a healthy baby, no unintentional harm on my part can screw up his plan. Not to say that I couldn't royally futz things up if I went out and aimed for that goal. But God is big enough to protect my child from my ignorance and health needs. I believe He knows my heart and my intentions enough that if He wants the baby to be healthy, I can't kill it by cleaning out the catbox before I realise that's not a safe thing to be doing just now, or some other similar thing. And if God plans for us to raise a child with health problems...no amount of what I try to do right can protect the baby. I mean really, there are somethings that no amount of intervention can stop or rescue. That's part of that whole not living in fear thing from earlier this morning.

God can make deserts into Eden, and dust into people. God alon can make something from nothingness (which, is, by its sheer existance as nothingness is something...but then we wander into difficult philosophical quanderies...and I had to really work at my philosophy courses). God gave me dreams of my children. When he decides to, this barren desert that my body is now will blossom into a garden of the Lord. God does beautiful work...and judging from baby pictures of my husband and I when we were little...that garden is gonna be breathtaking.

So will I still stumble and doubt? Sure. I'm human. That's what we do as humans. But maybe seeing this here will remind me again when I do that the garden God will plant in this wilderness is far greater than anything I could try to grow on my own. He's got the biggest, greenest thumb ever, and it trumps my brown one!

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