Musings: He's My Son, by Mark Schultz

He's My Son - Mark Schultz (Mark Schultz)
I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I'm sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone
He's my son
Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there
Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him
He's my son
(c) Myrrh

The first time I heard this, and actually, most of the times I hear it still, I think of a mother's heart. Not just any mother's, but Mary's. I think perhaps it's written from a father's perspective, but when I hear this, I think of Mary, and the way her mother's heart must have broken as she contemplated the apparent last hours of her son's life. We know that she thought about the future that God had laid out for him; when the shepherds came to greet his birth, telling tales of angels that filled the sky to proclaim his birth, we are told that "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart" (Luke 2:19, NIV). And while I am not catholic and do not hold to many of the opinions of Mary that are attributed to them, I nonetheless am aware that she found herself in posession of a special blessing and a unique burden as the mother of Christ.
We know that Christ agonised in the garden. We don't know where Mary was in those moments, but if she had seen him there, would these words from Mark Schultz have come close to expressing her own despair? We remember at Easter that God gave His only son...and while I would not for a single moment detract from all of the amazing glory of what that means...I do not want to forget either that Mary, with imperfect understanding, needing the salvation He alone could bring, watched her gift from God die. Mothers who have lost their children understand the heartache that Mary might have felt.
I can see her watching her son sleep, maybe after she brought Him home from the temple in Jerusalem, asking these very questions. "Can You hear me? Can You see Him? Let me take His place somehow; He's my son." She would not have understood what she asked for, no more than Peter did when he swore he would go to prison and death with Jesus. But I can hear her mother's heart breaking as she looks at him in his sleep. "Please don't leave Him"...and yet for Him to accomplish what He came for, God the Father would have to leave Him. He had to leave Him when he "who had no sin" was made "to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God" (2Corinthians 5:21,NIV).
As this holiday season approaches, and you do your Christmas shopping, please remember why we call it "Christ"mas. That infant born helpless in a stable and yet announced by a choir of angels and greeted by wise men who travelled far to see him was not born for Santa's sake. That child was born, and His mother's heart broke even as she received her salvation from Him. Christmas would mean nothing without Easter's cross and triumphal ressurrection. I enjoy Christmas...but thank God for Easter and the heartbreak He allowed Mary to experience to save all of our souls, if only we would receive Him.

My Latest Obsession

OK, so I've really tried to set this aside. To not think about it, but I suppose it's the proverbial elephant in the room that I can't ignore no matter how much I want to. I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, and it just circles around and around in my head.
I desperately want to be a mother. I have dreamt of my children. I don't know if my dreams are just my wishful thinking or if they were a promise of children to come. How much of this desire for children is me being strong-willed and wanting my way in the matter, and how much of it is the frustration of a perceived promise delayed? I doubt myself, I doubt my promise, I doubt...everything. I sincerely believe that children are a gift from God, and I live in fear that at some point, I will be blessed with a pregnancy only to do something to mess things up. That the medicine I take to control my arthritis will hurt the baby, that I'll clean out the kitty boxes without realising that I'm pregnant and I'll lose the baby I've dreamt of for so long.
I was double checking the medicines I was taking after being prescribed a new one. I realised that I had not asked whether or not the medicine would be safe if I became pregnant, and I wanted to look over all the medicines I was taking to try to make an informed decision about whether or not it might be safe to take them. Every month, I desperately wonder if this is the month we conceived. I take pregnancy tests wondering if the heartburn that's lasted a week is because I'm pregnant. And then it's like a new heart break when the test comes out negative. I want to be certain that nothing I am doing is standing in the way of a successful conception and a healthy baby. Then I realise obsessing over it is of no use; obsession won't get me pregnant, and the stress is actually bad for my chances.
Anyway...I realised that one of the medicines I was on, a progesterone replacement, is listed as an FDA class D Drug. Meaning: we have done enough studies to know that if you take this medicine while you are pregnant, your baby has a higher risk of birth defects. Now, my husband has tried to reassure me that those types of effects are only for women who have an excess of progesterone in their system. That I don't have enough progesterone in my system anyway, so the drug won't be dangerous for me or my child, that it won't act as contraceptive (which all the information I've read seems to indicate is one of it's uses, and one of the brand names is Depo-Provera...which IS birth control). That this drug is not taking my progesterone levels to the levels that are dangerous...that it's just getting to the levels that should be normal. I went to my doctor's office Friday morning to get some answers, but he wasn't in. The longer I sat there, watching pregnant women come and go, seeing a young woman who didn't look pregnant walk out with a "mom-to-be" kit. I was jealous. I was frustrated. I want to be the one carrying the "mom-to-be" kit. I want to be the one for whom the doctor was delayed...delivering my baby, so I could bring him or her home and take care of him or her. I won't be a perfect mother. No one is. But I know I could be a good mother, a loving mother.
I want an answer. I want my doctor to explain to me that everything my husband proposes is right, and here's the blood test I ran to be certain I gave you the right dose. I trusted him. I want to find out that this fear is insane and irrational. I'd much rather have crazy fears that can be explained away. I'm going in Monday to talk to him, hoping that it won't be too awkward in the office after I behaved badly there Friday. I was very upset, but that doesn't excuse me behaving like a two-year old throwing a temper tantrum. I just don't know.
I'm tired. I'm sore. I refuse to take any pills until I've figured out how much I should be concerned by their side-effects. Everytime I lay down, the questions run around and around in my head.
I made myself a glass of cocoa with warm milk hoping I'd fall back to sleep this morning...and thought about how my kids would say when they got older "Mom used to make us rich warm cocoa at night before bed," and so it goes. So here's hoping that blogging the obsession helps to get me over it. In the meantime, I'm gonna go try to rest on the couch and maybe get some sleep. I hope.


Day One

OK, so I'm not sure what all I'm going to do with this blog, but I like the idea, so we'll see how this goes.
What will I do?
Anything I spend time thinking about, I could come here and muse aloud, so to speak. I think alot. Too much, maybe. In fact, my ever so vivid imagination is both my best asset and my greatest foe. I enter the willing suspension of disbelief easily...and then leave that state with much difficulty.
Movies. Music. TV Shows. Books. Bible Study. Websites. Sermons.
I am very happily a conservative, Republican, stay-at home housewife. I have no children yet, but I dream of them. I very well may offend people and step on toes. If you don't like it, it won't hurt my feelings. However, I think that if you will give me a chance, you'll find what many of my friends and family have found; I'm actually a really pleasant person to be around.
Join my head trip. It could be a weird little ride!