River God

I just blogged on this one last night, and here I am with it on repeat on the laptop, listening to it over and over again. It's very soothing, and at the moment, soothing is what I need. It reminds me that God's hand is in everything, and while our choices may take us contrary to His will, He won't let us go where He can't reach.

I took John to the airport, and by that, I mean I rode while he drove, so that I could drive the car home afterwards. I hadn't even gotten 5 miles from the airport when I hit a slick spot on the roads; there was enough rain to lift the oil from the pavement, but not enough to wash it completely away, so it was at that dangerously slick stage roads reach sometimes. I spun out, doing about 360 degrees of rotation over about 100 yards, on an entrance ramp raised high above traffic...

I didn't hit anything, or anyone, and physically, I am unharmed. I figured out that the car had stalled out (after sitting, trembling, on the outer curve of this curved over-pass ramp for several minutes while I tried to gather my thoughts) and restarted it, finally getting it moving. I started towards home and just wanted somewhere to pull over and calm down, but as I got off the highway, I hit another slick spot and lost traction again. I didn't spin this time, but it was just one more peice of alarming than I could handle. I pulled into the gas station across the way and sat there, trembling, figuring out who I could call on a Sunday Morning to come and help me get home. I found someone, and she came and drove me home; we'll go back in a few hours to get my car. I thought of calling her back, and saying I could drive home, but the more I thought of the idea of driving, the less fond of it I was... the more I trembled.

I'm home now, waiting for church to be over (she offered to take me to church, but all I want right now is to have a good cry and take a little nap) so that I can go with her and her 15 year old to pick up the car. I found I needed music to calm the savage beast of fear that is roaring in my head and chest... and the sweet, simple, haunting echoes of this song seemed perfect.

This is an opportunity. Will I thank my God for keeping me safe through my stupidity (I should have been going slower; I might not have spun out quite so badly if I hadn't hit the slick as fast as I did, though for the life of me, I have no idea how fast I was driving), or will I curse Him for scaring me like that? Will I take the opportunity to learn something and move forward, or will I stay locked in the patterns of fear, unable to progress, trapped in the prison that, just like my father died in a car accident, I will too? Will I accept this incident as an opportunity to be smoothed by my River God, polished to a sheen by the events of life, change my habits, or will I see it as yet another thing taken from me, see it as a flaw, a fatal crack in who I am?

I think you can guess... I do thank my God for keeping me and my car safe. I will eventually even try driving it again (maybe even as soon as when we go to pick it up) and will use this experience to help me become a better driver. After all, little stones are smoothed only when the River passes through. I would be a little smoother in God's hand... and live my life in the victory He says is mine.

You know, writing this has been immensly helpful... I'm calmer and more collected already. Thank you, God, for Your mercies that are new every morning.

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